The latest stabbing accessory: the pointed umbrella…

Space! The final frontier.. these are the voyages & encounters of trying to have some personal space to yourself.. and not getting it. Especially whenever your walking about in public places.

When it comes to this dimensional extension while you’re out and about, people’s spacial reasoning leaves a lot to be desired for. From the ‘lovey-dovey’ couples to Mothers or Fathers with prams and just never looking where they are going; the broadsheed newspaper reader who is yet to master the art of folding. Let’s not forget the tourist who never seem to know when to make up their mind. Oh, I could give you a long list of culprits, but lets examine one dangering species:

Umbralleus longtijuvus. Or, in layman’s term, Men with long umbrellas. You’d think that men would take their cue from women who have the rather petite shaped brollies which still effectively keeps out the rain when opened. Notice the way how men hold their umbrellas while its closed. With each stride comes a swing which signifies a territorial marking with the umbrella, only short of you being fustigated or stabbed.

You know the culprits I’m on about, the Regimental Sergeant Major’ : The office type guys based in the city or the ‘Shaka Zulu’ types (Shame on you if you have no idea who this man was!) who swing the umbrella as if it’s an assegei

Here are a couple of tips in how to avoid being clobbered or stabbed by the above suspects:

Walk at a minimal pace (safe) distance: Stating the obvious it would seem, but many a people still fall victim just by not watching their step.

Don’t stay in a country where it rains or the sun shines all the time. (Self explanatory)

Destroy all long umbrellas you find and get smaller ones for any male friends you have.

With these simple rules, you just might be able to avoid being lampooned out there.

On a lighter note, here are a couple of shots taken at the Barbican yesterday night commemorating the humble banjo. The show was called Blues: Back to the Source, and had Otis Taylor, Alvin Youngblood Hart and Corey Harris, with special guest Bassekou Kouyate playing the ngoni:

and the rest of the banjo players:

Things that I have learnt….

… on my way into work:

1. No matter how bad your personal hygiene is, no matter how much you stink to the high heavens, Londoners will still STAND next to you in a busy carriage during rush hour; still keep a stiff upper lip and only complain about the stench through the many contortions pulled on their faces.

2. Londoners like to show off their multi-talented skills by trying to read and walk during rush hour.

3. Free Newspaper vendors will indiscriminately thrust papers into you, even if you don’t want it.

4. Free offers of Kit-kats are scooped up by people making their way to the gym.

5. Many Londoners have a death wish!

6. Tube carriages are human versions of tuna cans, hence squashed moments.

7. Not everyone can speak English.

8. Not all the English can actually speak the English Language.

9. The ticket barriers can be a nuisance.

10. The Hammersmith line truly does suck.

11. No matter how cold it is, you’re bound to come across a bunch of nicotine addicts who are willing to risk pneumonia just to inhale!

12. Most Londoners would rather DIE than smile in the morning.

13. Many people should never, EVER, have the opportunity to own a mobile phone due to a complete misuse of this technology.

14. Not everyone in a suit is important.

15. The ‘Stiff Upper Lip’ is truly stiff!

16. Chivalry rarely, if ever, exists. Just ask any pregnant woman these days.

17. Many people will lose their hearing within the next 10 years because of blasting the music up into their eardrums! 

I’m sure there are more things that will come up during my journeys into work, but I’ll continue another time.

As it’s the London Jazz Festival, I’ve just got in from covering an amazing gig at the Barbican. It was the Steve Reid ensemble. His performance reminded me very much of Trilok Gurtu, but that’s just me. Here’s a shot from the night:

STRIIKEEEE!!!!

Well, it’s another end to a summer and the start of the yearly, inevitable tube strike in London.  Employees of London Underground are worried that their jobs are under treat due to Metronet going into administration, so they’ve gone on strike to make a point.  Nine major tube  lines are suspended, so the remaining lines are going to make for packed

So, with the tube strikes to last 72 hours, getting around and about London will be a logistical nightmare.  Dedicated drones will make their way into work by any means possible and chances are very high that many will enter work disorientated, with a black eye, stressed, or just in a bitching mood. Either way, using London transport on a good or trying day is an experience that a person has to try at least once!

At least it’s a strike.  Troublesome as it may be, let’s be thankful its not the power grid that’s gone off or a massive EMP (electronic Magnetic Pulse) charged.  If you’re an anarchist and wanted to disrupt business operations, you don’t need a bomb: just call on the Transport systems or Electricity Providers to go on strike.  That ought to do it! (**WARNING: This comment does not give you the right to incite any kind of revolution…you’ll only get arrested!!**)

Come to think about it, it’s a wonder how Nigerians survive back home.  In many instances, it tends to be a shortage of petrol that causes somewhat chaos, and that’s just ironic, considering Nigeria is one of top oil producing nations in the world. And yet, when there’s some strike in Niaja, people just put on their shoes and just walk it, and I’m talking miles here.  N.E.PA. (National Electric Power Authority, or P.H.C, as they like to be now known!) don’t even need to go on strike!! They just take switch off to ‘ration’.  And yet, Nigerians adapt.  Niaja people, I salute you!!

Patience from one P.O.V (Part Uno)

When you think of the term ‘Patience’, an image of serenity, calm and peace may come to mind. Or it could be of strength and endurance through some very tough times. Wikipedia terms patience as ‘the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties.’

For many of us in the UK, here’s an image that sums up being patient:

I’ve asked people to present their view to surmise patience, and the one picture that tends to show up in most instances are of Saints, Gurus and those of the spiritual stock. That’s all well and good, but place these spiritual beings in a room with screaming babies and complaining pensioners, even their patience would be stretched.

It was when I was on a bus going home that I realised that bus drivers have to also be categorised as epitomes of patience. What they have to go through during their shifts: The bus bell being rung every 3 minutes or so; complaints by passengers about their Oyster cards or not having the right change for the fare; having young kids turning the bus deck into an adventure playground; dealing with punks at the back of the upper tier of the bus as they go about smoking/spitting out the window/intimidating other passengers/being drunk and rowdy; dealing with tourists hogging up time trying to explain where they want to go. And all this is just inside the bus! Imagine the grief of dealing with other motorists and pedestrians??

I know that many of you may not agree with this. If anything, some might argue that most bus drivers are sadistic, arrogant schmucks that should get their just desserts. That’s one justifiable point of view.

Either way, full salutations to you drivers, moving the masses and dealing with the grief and joy that comes with it!

Crazy pedestrians Vs Crazier Drivers!

Picture the scene, if you will:

You just so happen to witness a strange image forming before your very eyes. The sight begins to take shape into a somewhat macabre apparation; a view that could literally leave you speechless. An adult male, (or female) is coming towards at full speed, butt-naked, screaming like a banshee, has a blunt machete in his hand and is about to strike a blow right towards your neck. Like any sane individual, you take cover. You don’t want a blade making it’s way to your neck, or any part of your anatomy for that matter.

Seems implausible? Ok, let’s change the tempo: a bull has just been castrated, has snapped free from its harness, and it wants revenge. He zeros in on you, and stampedes right for you. Once again, you don’t or try not to reason with said animal. You do the next best thing: Run!

I’ve cited to two extreme examples of instances that could happen. Which begs the question as to why people in this country, especially in London, take their time while crossing a busy road, when they have no right of way? I’ve witnessed on so many occasions people playing chicken with cars of all sizes. It’s like pedestrians are double-daring the drivers to knock them over. I mean, how dumb can you be? For all you know, the driver in question could be under the influence, or committed a crime and getting the hell out, or is maybe just in a hurry to get to the bog before it all goes pear shaped.

I then realise that people take liberties in this country. The general rule, I reckon, is that said pedestrians feel that the driver’s insurance would cover any medical bills and payout. Not bad for a few broken bones.

Now, I’ve travelled to certain parts of the world, and there are three countries that come to mind that you don’t want to dare drivers or pull off any dumb stunts of jaywalking on the main road: Namely Italy, India and Nigeria. Italy has somewhat a sense of normality, but pull any stunts in India or in particular, then you only have yourself to blame. Can you imagine? You see a car hurtling towards you, and you’re strolling across the road at your own leisure. You best believe that a collision is inevitable. And the pain doesn’t stop there. Oh, no! You’d be then asked (if your either conscience or can at least talk!) to explain your foolish actions. It’ll then be you, the ‘victim’, who would have to fork out for the damage to the vehicle.

So, if none of you guys can remember the Green Cross Code when you take that stroll across a busy intersection or road, just visualise a naked man with a machete dashing for you.

The Rail services: More Palaver & Wahala for your money’s worth!

Whether you’re a resident of London and have a membership to a gym or lack certain social skills that need improving without wasting money on Life or motivational coaches, then I have a proposal that would not only save you money, but revolutionise and also give you a good work out not only for your physical sense but also for your emotional status. I present to you: ‘The National Rail Workout’-Recommended by Daily users (Limited Edition).

Preparing for a school reunion after 10 years, and you want to regain that lost figure with a quick work out? (Come on, you know who you are…) Then ‘The Sprint for the 7.25 Service to London Bridge‘ (Or any other destination of your choice!) with only a few minutes to spare, comes highly recommended. (Only to realise that there has been a platform alteration, and you now have to sprint back to the platform you just ran past.)

Do you feel that you need to lose weight but can’t afford a massage? Welllll! Help is at hand: The ‘Squeeze intothecarriage 2000′, could just about help you shed those extra pounds off. As a matter of fact, this deal is a ’2-for-1′ bargain. That’s right, folks: Not only do you get a free massage, you also get to test-drive your eloquence skills of “Move down the carriage, please!“ It comes free with scents and smell tasters, depending on the season.

Thinking of testing your blood pressure? Say no more. With train delays & cancellations a plenty and not to mention the continually hike to fares, you’ll notice your cardio workout begins with swear words muttered under your breath, and that vein on your forehead throbbing more than usual. (**please make sure that you have a ‘gym’ partner with you who is skilled in the art of CPR**.)

I personally recommend the  ‘How to improve your stereotype‘. Do you normally notice anyone who is of Arabic, Asian or African origin with a big bag? Then its high time to move away from said characters, pronto. And if you happen to be of said origin, then you’ll get to meet British ‘Bobby’ (police), who will regal you with quotes from The Terrorism Act of 2000: Section 14, which states that the police can stop you at random and check your belongings. (It’s happened to me twice, so I should know!) Please do not try running on a platform if you’re carrying a big bag. If they order you stop, please, for the love of God: STOP!!

Don’t delay, Join up now!

***DISCLAIMER***

***Subscription is open to those who have to make their way to work on a daily basis. Membership comes with a no money back guarantee. If you are not satisfied, and are still persistant for a refund, then you might be lucky in contacting customer liason office of the services providers, who will provide forms that just don’t seem the hassle to fill. If you feel that the above quote seems too much aggro than its worth, then you can either invest in a car which will definately bring more problems than its worth. Besides, You’d be better off walking. At least the environment would appreciate it***

Have a blessed Day.

A small light can dispel great darkness.